anak ng tinapa... ano to? hehe... sobrang tagal ko ng di inoopen ung account ko dito naka-10 na hula ako sa password chka username ko... ala lang share ko lang po... may epal na bumabasa sa blog ko... wahahha... joke... anu ba? hmm.... lagi akong puyat these past few days dahil sa work.. haha... kakaloka! tapos nakakainis rin chaka nakaka frustrate. tapos dami pang nambibwisit minsan.. lagi rin akong nashoshort sa pera.. lintean na.. wala na kong sinesweldo... pero okei lang... kaya pa..

ayun... ung accounting ko... wah... cno pwede magturo?? inutil na ko ngaun.. kakainis... tulong naman... kung cno man.. un lang po...

napadaan lang =)

uhh.... ala lang... shit tagal ko ng di nagbblog.. haha.,.. ala lng share ko lng... uhm.... walang kwenta buhay ko... ganun pa rin naman.. err.... ewan ko... sabog lang ako ngaun... hala... bakit wala ka sa bahay mo............................................................. nakooooooooooooooooooooooo..... hehehe.,.. ala... ala na kong magawa sa buhay ko.... onga pala para sa mga di nakakaalam sa plm ako nag aaral ngaun... bwisit na skwelahan un... sarap itapon... tapos itong bwisit na pc na to cra ang ym... leche... sabog na kasi pc namin sa bahay eh.. kakaasar nga... ayun..... uhmm... wala akong peraaaaaaa..... wahahaha... tawa na lng ako.... dibale cute pa rin ako... bwahahaha

bahala kau!....... wala..

wala.


















"men are born to lie,, and women to believe in them"











akala ko wala kang kwenta... nagkamali ako.. ako pala

it have just been now that i came to a realization... i've change. i know that change is constant and that i've been changing ever since. but what's bad about my transformation this past few days is that the change is not for the betterment of myself but for the worse. and its wrong. now everything for me is negative. i have no plans for my life because everything that i made before were ruined. i dont know where to start again. i gave up... i couldnt help but cry every night. wasting my tears. now, everything is impossible for me. i've lost my dreams, hope and dignity. now, i felt like im nothing, a mere existance of negative entity. i told myself that i dont want to feel anymore. but the only thing i couldnt feel right now is happiness. i've lost track of what i've been and of what i should be. i've just made myself worse because of a stupid decision. i did the mistake that i've seen from other people before. it's like i didn't learn anything from them that i needed to let myself fall on the ground first before i could realize that. i've let other people get into me. i've let their words destroy me. and that's what they wanted. i knew that but i became weak. i've let them hurt me when i shouldn't. but im scared... for my future is uncertain. i wouldnt be able to bear another failure. it would break me into pieces and i might never recover from that. when i played the game, i thought i was ready for it. i have goals, tactics. i thought i have thought of everything already. but life cheated.. i havent completed my goals and my tactics didnt work.

akala ko dati lahat ng problema may solution. ung parang math problems lang ang buhay tapos lahat may sagot. ngaun ko lang na-realize napaka optimistic ko pala nun. pag may problema ako lagi ko iniisip na magiging okei din ang lahat sa ending. diba parang yin yang. pag may negative na nangyayari, may susunod na positive naman para di ka mamatay sa lungkot.. haha.. but i guess i was wrong. i was living in another world. reality is really different, dito totoo ang failure. pag bagsak ka bagsak ka. magdusa ka. im living in the real world now. my eyes are opened by experience. and it got me off guard. shit wala akong bala sa gitna ng gera, ang tanga talaga. in the middle of the battle, makikita mo ang mga kasamahan mo isa isang nababaril at nasasaktan, ang iba namamatay pa. isipin mo na lang, pano pag ikaw na ang tinamaan? ngaun mo mararamdaman at mararanasan ang sakit at hirap na nakita mo sa mga mata nila. gagapang ka ngaun upang magtago, hahanap ka ng tulong pag medio napalala tama mo. pero kung matapang ka, ayun tatakbo ka at lulusob sa kampo ng kalaban. at malamang ay ma-dedbol ka sa gagawin mo. suicide un. ang ironic diba? kung cnong ipinaglaban ang kanyang paniniwala cya pang mapapahamak. bibihira lang ang nagtatagumpay sa ganung kabayanihan. sana ay mapabilang ako sa mga un. pero sa dami ng balang tumama sakin parang gusto ko na sumuko. gusto kong humingi ng tulong pero wala akong makita, ang iba naman ay abala sa makipagpalitang ng bala sa kalaban para iligtas din ang sarili nilang buhay. at sa di inaasahang pangyayari, may lumapit sakin. isang kaibigan. di ko pa cya lubos na kilala, at tulad ko duguan at nanghihina na rin dahil sa mga sugat na natamo nya sa laban. nandun cya at umupo sa tabi ko. tinanong nya kung kamusta na raw ang lagay ko. cnabi ko sa kanyang gusto ko ng sumuko sa hirap. cnabi kong wala na kong nakikitang pag asang mabubuhay pa ko... na wala na kong kinabukasang haharapin... ngunit nginitian nya lang ako. ang sabi nya sakin "ginagawa ito ng diyos sa mga taong alam nyang kakayanin ang ganitong pagsubok". sa totoo lang ay hindi ako relihiyosong tao. matagal ng wala sa isipan ko ang paniniwala sa diyos. pero nagpatuloy ako sa pakikinig sa kanya. ang sabi nya sakin. hindi lang daw ako ang taong sugatan at naghihirap sa gitna ng gera. bawat isa ay may problemang hinaharap. "wag kang susuko. tuloy natin ang laban" un na marahil ang pinakamagandang payo na narinig ko sa gitna ng gera. naisip ko na tama cya. wala na nga namang atrasan. nagsimula na ang gera eh. and every beggining has it's own ending. sabi sakin ng kaibigan kong iyon, wag raw akong matakot lumaban, dahil nanjan lang cya para samahan ako. sabay kaming haharap at lalaban sa gera ng buhay. malay mo nga naman magtagumpay kami. kahit maliit lang ang posibilidad, isipin mo na lang na meron pa rin un.

at sabay kaming tumakbo patungo sa mga kalaban dala ang aming sandata, katapangan at pag-iisip. ang huli nyang cnabi sakin, "usap tayo pagkatapos ng laban. madami kang dapat ikwento sakin. cgurado akong kakayanin to". paglingon ko sa likod, nakita ko ang ibang sugatan na buong tapang na lumulusob din sa kuta ng mga kalaban. naalala ko tuloy na hindi lang pala ako ang nasasaktan at naghihirap, may iba pang marahil na mas malala ang tama pero patuloy pa rin sila, hindi sumusuko kahit ano pang kaharapin nila. bilib ako sa kanila. napahanga nila ako ng husto lalo na ng kaibigan ko. nagkaron ako ng konting pag-asa. naisip na cge.. isa pa... bibigyan ko pa ng chance ang sarili kong mabuhay. gagawa ako ng paraan. papakita ko sa kanila na magtatagumpay ako...... sana........ natatakot akong masawi at matalo. i want to make a change. i want to touch other people's lives like they have touched mine. gusto ko magbigay ng lakas ng loob kahit kaunti lang tulad ng lakas ng loob na nabigay sakin ng kaibigan.

salamat....

im in here right now. trying to get some things out of my mind. too many, i dont even know  where to start. it kinda suck because im not really good with words. i find it hard to somewhat express my feelings. im stupid..

i dont know what to do.. i feel empty.. i dont want to care anymore. it just rips me off if i do. i dont want to hope anymore.... because whatever i do, it never do come true. when i thought i had something. it goes flying out of the window. the only little thing that brings me joy and inspiration slowly slipping off my hands. maybe i'm cursed.. f#ck.. i dont even believe in that stuff and im saying this. haha.. i'm so tired of my life.. i dont know what to do with myself. it has no direction. and my goal is blurry as mud. can't see a spark from the damn thing..

tired of wishing.........
tired of dreaming........
tired of living.........

i dont even got a life.. THEY have it. THEY control it. i'm so damn hopeless. i want to break free. im worse that a prisoner. im worse than a beggar. im too scared to lose it all. but i dont have anything at all. i thought i could be somebody. but no matter how hard i try, no matter what i do. i end up with nothing. i made something but still nothing. maybe my "nothing" is more of a "no one". i dont know. im tired of feeling. maybe life would be better for me if dont have that.

what should i do? what should i NOT do? everything about me is a mistake ever since i was born.. uhh.. no, it goes further than that. i was a mistake even before i was created. maybe that's why my biological mother keeps on blaming for every shit that happens in her life. hey, a lot of crap happens in my life too but i never blamed anyone for it.. then how come i get all the blame? i dont even know what shit are they blaming on me sometimes. or you better make that MOST of the time. i dont know what i did wrong. i do everything just for people to like me. is it that hard to like someone like me? maybe they just dont understand me..... no one ever had, i guess..

everyday i wake up and live my life with people around the house telling me, YELLING AT ME to get my f#cking self out of THEIR house. well, i couldnt argue with that. it's theri house after all. i dont have any money,i couldn't pay them a rent. i only wish i could. how i wish i could get out of here. but as i told you before my wishes and hopes never come true.

can you imagine how much it hurts when i hear people talking bad things about me behind my back? well, i get a lot of that.. i dont know how could they say that when they dont even know me. no one knows me but myself because no one would try.

i hate my life.. i dont want people being nice to me all of a sudden just because they pity me. i just want them to, i guess, understand. i feel so alone. i dont know where to go, whom to talk to when i have problems. actually i dont like seeking for help because he/she wouldn't be able to help at all. whenever i try to, i just end up humiliating myself. he wouldnt be able to help after all. he cant because his busy or something or he doesnt know how or if he did help me it would put him in some kind of trouble or something so... he chose not to. well, its ok. i couldnt force anyone to help. its not stated in a law or something.

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please dont tell me that i dont understand what are going through right now just for me. i know you're scared of getting kicked out of your house and not be able to finish your studies. i love to study too. maybe because i love things that are hard to get.......... and i love you..

i know your the troubles that you get yourself into just by talking to me.. look at me. my parents arent sending me to school (i'll have to do that myself i guess), i get hit, kick, yelled at,  etc. because im seeing/talking to you, your mom told me that im "malandi" in front of you and you did nothing nor said anything at all. i would never forget that day..

but i dont really care about that.. its okay.. everything is okay with me.. i dont have a choice.. well, maybe i did.. and i chose you.. because your my only happiness.. and my greatest sorrow if i would lose you..

i'm happy but then there's still a problem so..... i dont know...

on the other side

sakit na ng daliri ko kaka click ng mouse.. nagbura ako ng mga frends sa frenster na di ko nmn tlga frends.. ehehe.. from 289 i think 236 na lng ang natira.. pero di pa rin tapos un.. kaya lng pagod na tlga daliri ko e so next tym na lng ulit pagpapatuloy.. share ko lng... medio antok na ko... pero gusto ko pa sana manood ng tv.. pinapatay nga lng ng tatay ko ung tv kaya di na pwede =( sad na ko tuloy.. huhuhu... wahehhe...

what else? hmm..... ewan ko... bahala na...

ang daming tao pero wala namang makita.. ang daming kausap pero wala namang marinig.. naghihintay pero wala namang darating..